Something... maybe this MRI experience?... had tipped my anxious thoughts from the unconscious part of my brain, into the conscious part of my brain, making me feel like certain activities felt unsafe, where before they had not. That makes it sound like it was a clean 'before and after' change, but it was not like that at all. I think it was some kind of culmination, like a pitcher filling up with anxieties over time, and then spilling over. It truly surprised me, though.
A few months later, a small experience hinted that it may be more than claustrophobia. I took my son to get ice cream at our neighborhood pool. It was at night, with only star light and the light from the ice cream truck. I felt that same urge that I had to 'get out' and a physical electric feeling taking over my whole body. To get through it, I had to focus on the ground, tell myself I was fine and keep my hand on my son's shoulder.
A few months later, things got a little more pointed. I took my son to a play at a large theater in downtown Richmond. (Both of my kids have witnessed my 'episodes' and have become well versed in how to help me.) Our seats were on the highest tier. As we climbed the flights of stairs to get up there, that same "unsafe" sensation started creeping up on me. We made it to our seats, and I could not control my panic. I found an usher and, so embarrassed, explained my situation and asked if there was any way we could get lower seats. She moved us to a lower level. The new seats were at the same level as the floor which seemed to help (feeling grounded). My son let me hold his hand (hand holding always helps) and we made it through.
I realized that something disruptive was truly happening to me. I started looking into this more online and found a Facebook group to join, where I learned the term 'cleithrophobia' which is the fear of being trapped. I thought I might be having symptoms of both claustrophobic and cleithrophobia and also fear of heights.
I could spend paragraphs telling you, in great detail, all of the 'episodes' that have happened since then, some by myself, and others (embarrassingly) with other people. I've wound up in ADA seating multiple times. I've avoided tunnels A LOT. I've looked for exit signs and sources of air in rooms I had to be in, and resisted the urge to leave. I could barely handle a trip to New York City because everything felt suffocating. I could go on.
Years passed. I started needing to explain it to friends and family people, to warn them about what might happen or why I was avoiding something. My husband and kids were understanding, patient and supportive. They let me hold their hands in scary situations. It did not affect me every day. For the most part I could live my life and barely think about it. However, the 'episodes' did seem to increase and when I started to avoid certain family activities, it became very clear I needed professional help. Essential oil and soothing music were not cutting it.
My doctor gave me some anxiety meds to take as needed (which I still haven't taken) and referred me to therapy. My therapist was a godsend. I saw Dr. S about every two weeks for about a year. Going to therapy felt like a mix of having a teacher, scientist and coach all focused on helping me. Most days, I would dread going to therapy, but would leave feeling like I had received a special gift. I learned cool facts about the brain and psychology and what it means for me personally. I also learned how to identify the root causes of my anxiety and address my anxious episodes. My therapist supported me to keep going and feel optimistic.
One helpful strategy is the ABCDE technique. Action, Belief, Consequence, Debate with Evidence. Here is an example. The Consequence may be that I feel scared to go into a hallway. Working backwards, this was due to the Action of going to a museum with my family, and I started Believing that the hallway is unsafe. But then I can Debate this as if I'm in court. If I go in there, will I get hurt? No. Will the people in there hurt me? Probably not. Will something dangerous happen while you're there? It's unlikely. There is Evidence such as - the people already in the hallway are fine and appear safe and happy. The hallway looks sturdy, etc. Thus, talking through it this way helps me think more rationally about the situation.
Dr. S even made therapy fun. He encouraged me to use humor when I feel scared, to find something to laugh at. We talk about 'paper tigers' that are really meowing kitty cats - times when my brain is making something seem scary that is actually not. Another strategy is to just 'stay there.' For example, if I'm in a theater and the feeling comes over me to 'get out', I just need to 'stay there' and sit through the feeling. The feeling will likely pass, the paper tiger will walk on by, I won't die, and I will get to enjoy the play.
My therapist recently retired and I stopped going but I've continued to practice what I learned. In 2024, I did a number of things I previously would have seriously avoided including going through tunnels and riding roller coasters. It's still a work in progress for sure, but I've recently truly begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel (literally!). But I'm prepared to maybe have to deal with it for the rest of my life.
If I have any advice for somebody who may be on the this journey, I would 100% recommend therapy. Your brain, just like any other body part, needs specialized help when it's not functioning the way you want it to. Yes you can practice techniques on your own but you learn so much more by talking it out with a professional. Don't suffer needlessly. Also - don't forget to take a tour of your MRI machine ahead of time, and I recommend looking into the wide bore option!
I am fortunate to have health insurance that includes behavioral health coverage for a $25 copay. If you are not as fortunate, here is a website where you can learn about free and low cost options: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-support/how-to-pay-for-treatment/free-or-low-cost-treatment.
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